My First Sober Vacation

Hey y'all! Sorry for the radio silence, I was experiencing my FIRST sober vacation!

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Last Friday, I embarked on my "journey" really a two hour plane ride to San Francisco. First thing I did, before I even left for the airport was go to a meeting. There's a 7am meeting in my area every morning of the week. Starting my day off with humility, the steps and fellowship centered me and brought me the serenity I needed to conquer my arch nemesis... the airport.

Before this, I stopped at Starbucks, and got a latte and a panini. At the drive-thru, I purchased the person behind me's order. No harm in getting a little good karma going before a hard task.

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While I never did any drinking on airplanes or in airports, the airport is still a huge trigger for me. It marks the start of vacation-- a time where drinking in access is totally acceptable. On top of that, I cannot stand lines. Airports to me are the home of "should'ves." Shoulda, coulda, woulda are my BIGGEST triggers. My mind races watching the people in front of me.

They should've taken their liquids out when they were in line.

They shouldn't be traveling with their screaming child.

I could've gotten in the other line.

I would've gotten here sooner if I would've known the line was going to be so long.

For me, what I have to remember the most, and what brings me the serenity I need every day to get through anything that arises is ultimate radical acceptance. The fact that I have absolutely no control over what other people do. I am not divine, I do not have any authority to say that someone should've, could've or would've done something differently. Even if I could've or should've done something different, I didn't, I can't change the past. I AM RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE.

This form of ultimate radical acceptance is the only way for me to stay sober. When I get wrapped up in my way, the way I think things should've gone, I throw chips into the pot. I give myself excuses to drink. I give other people power over my sobriety.

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Once I made it through the impossibly slow security at SeaTac (my Seattle peeps know), I located my gate, used the restroom, and treated myself to a blackberry Italian soda without whipped cream or cream. Normally I would get cream, but this morning I just wanted something fruity and refreshing... It did not disappoint. Treating myself to something like this really satisfied my dysfunctional reward system. Normally coffee would be my go to, but being in an already heightened state (not quite anxious but not exactly at ease), I decided against anything with caffeine. This is another tip, listen to your body. I learned in treatment the acronym H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

When I'm really feeling like I need a drink, I ask myself five questions. Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired? If I answer yes to any of these, I ask myself, what can I do about it?

Fortunately for me, everything in the airport went smoothly. Aside from my flight taking off 30 minutes late and then not being able to park at the gate for 20 minutes after we landed, everything went swimmingly. It was a beautiful clear day all along the West Coast and I had the privilege of watching the Pacific Coast pass by through my window seat.

Once we landed and FINALLY got off the plane, my boyfriend was waiting for me in his dirty beat up Honda with sunflowers. My heart felt so full, I truly was getting more than any girl could ask for.

We got In 'n Out, burgers animal style. It felt so good just to be in California and in his comforting presence. Sure, I'm a little codependent-- I'm working on it-- but he has this aura, this essence that just diffuses any situation. He's always quick to say the right thing or just give a hug. I feel so truly blessed to have him in my life.

Next was Pacifica Beach, super windy but so beautiful.

Last before heading home, was Target. To pick up all the non-alcoholic beverages.

Non-alcoholic beverages have been a staple of my recovery. I can't get by without a La Croix or some other bubbly drink. I tried two different non-alcoholic beers on this trip also. To be honest, I think I'll stick with mocktails. The beer was pretty triggering for me. I felt almost guilty while drinking it, similar to the shame I felt when I was still actively drinking alcohol. It tasted so much like beer that while I drank it I was paranoid that I was consuming the real thing. Even though there was no alcohol the taste it left in my mouth was also triggering and reminded me way too much of many nights I can't remember, or wish I couldn't.

Saturday brought Little Italy, reading in Washington Park, gelato and fresh pasta. We partook in one of our favorite activities-- cooking together. With the fresh pasta we bought and some preserved roasted peppers we made a delicious homemade alfredo and had pasta for dinner. I bought a special Italian soda to go with it. In the past, cooking in general equated wine. The first 30 days of my sobriety or so, this was one of the times I felt most triggered. Finding other options and pairing them with my meals has been incredibly helpful for this sober alcoholic. Plus, I cut and burn myself less frequently.

Sunday, I FINALLY got to meet my sponsor in person and it was everything I could've wished for. It felt like I knew her my whole life. Then, an in person meeting-- my first in a new city. I felt so at home and held by the other women in that room.

After, my boyfriend, new AA friend (her adorable puppy), and I went to Dolores Park to enjoy Pride. While the situation was overwhelming and the drinking around me looked tempting, I was enjoying myself and the present company so much that I couldn't fathom being drunk. Sure, one drink sounded good-- but for me I know that it wouldn't have just been one drink. It would've been two bottles of wine and some really poor choices. Not to mention a loss of all the progress I've made over the last 109 days. That night was rough, but I took care of myself. I took a shower, had a good dinner (except for the drunk at the table next to us, who called me a "fucking bitch"), called another alcoholic, cried and watched Jackass 4.5, and went to bed sober.

The next day, I had to move, but it went smoothly. I prayed beforehand, all throughout the process and went to another meeting in person that night.

The first 4 days of my sober vacation were overall a dream. I was enjoying myself and my company so much, I didn't want to miss a moment of it being out of control and drunk. The mindfulness I was able to practice amazed even me. I felt so at peace and at home for one of the first times in my life. I wasn't wishing to be anywhere else, wasn't trying to plan the future, I was just enjoying the moment I was in, soaking in the sun and the company I was with. Staying buys, having a plan and finding meetings was key for me.

Tuesday after the move brought the hard goodbye of sending my dad (who had come down to help me move) off to the airport. I struggle a lot with how much time I do or don't spend with my parents. I constantly feel like they want more time with me and feel guilty when they do so much for me and I can't even make time for them. I was able to hug him, and walk down the beach and just let him talk which was comforting.

Once he got in his Uber, my boyfriend and I went to this really cool siber bar. Ocean Beach Cafe was started by a man who was a bartender for over a decade, woke up one morning and decided he didn't want to drink anymore. I felt so included and welcome immediately upon walking in. There were tons of non-alcoholic beers and wines, and a huge cocktail menu. I didn't even realize before this that there were non-alcoholic liquors.

While I don't think I'm ready for anything aside from maybe trying the occasional NA beer and having mocktails on special occasions, I felt really seen, heard and safe having a bar/cafe setting for people like me. I ordered a mocktail (see my Instagram for pictures)! Sitting in the sun and sharing a mocktail with my partner, completely present and not chasing another drink felt like ultimate freedom. Daily reprieve.

The freedom from bondage of self and liquor is stringer than any freedom I ever chased in a bottle.

That night was spent at the San Francisco Giants game drinking Ghirardelli hot chocolate.

The next morning brought me back to the airport, this time I knew it would be fine. Again I told myself I was right where I needed to be, that whatever was going to happen would happen. Again, I had this feeling of freedom. Even waiting in line, the freedom I felt of not constantly obsessing over feeling stuck, the freedom from worrying about and trying to control others. I was simply there and present and in line. And that was enough.