How do we Find Belonging as Human Beings?

A Blog Post about Shame and Vulnerability

Home is where I want to be

But I guess I'm already there

I come home, she lifted up her wings

I guess that this must be the place

I can't tell one from the other

Did I find you, or you found me?

There was a time before we were born

If someone asks, this is where I'll be where I'll be

"This Must be the Place (Naiive Melody)" -- The Lumineers

After meeting with my therapist last week, she looked at me and said, "I have the perfect Ted Talk for you". I almost wanted to scoff. I thought, "A Ted Talk? You're copping out of helping me and telling me to watch a video?" She followed this up with something along the lines of, "I've been reading a book about vulnerability and it makes me think a lot of you." Now the narcist in me was listening, "she thinks of me outside of our sessions? I must be winning therapy!"

So, I watched the Ted Talk while on the stair climber at the gym, and man did she hit the nail on the head, like therapists tend to. The Ted Talk was by Brene Brown, a researcher story teller who studies social work and sociology (I'll throw the link at the bottom), and she was talking about vulnerability and shame. Shame is a biproduct of vulnerability. We ask someone out and get rejected, this leads to shame. We apply for a job and they pick someone more highly qualified, this leads to shame. We try something new and fail, this leads to shame-- you get the point. But her point was, that vulnerability, while it can lead to shame, is the only thing that brings us together.

I personally have an extremely hard time connecting with people, even my siblings. My brother always tells me that I come across as better than or annoying, normal sibling thoughts, but after watching this video, it occurred to me that I come across this way because I do try to be better than because if I'm better than, if I only talk about things that I'm certain on, if I speak on facts instead of feelings, I don't have to be vulnerable and open myself up to shame.

During my active addiction, I was at my most vulnerable, whether I wanted to be or not.

"Society can do anything it chooses to do with me when I am drunk, I can't lift a finger to stop it, for I forfeit my rights through the simple expedient of becoming a menace to myself and to the people around me." "Freedom From Bondage" pg. 549, Fourth Edition of the Big Book, the Basic Text for Alcoholics Anonymous, 2001

When you're drunk, the world can do anything to you and you are really capable of doing anything. During my drinking career I did some things that I am very ashamed of. Things that no one aside from my sponsor will ever hear. Drunk Clara is an expert on shame through vulnerability. At first this vulnerability gave me the results I wanted. I was able to open up more to people, and in return they would open up to me. As my disease progressed however, as I became vulnerable all the time and with the wrong people at the wrong times, my vulnerability lead to more shame than I have ever felt in my life. Feeling that my identity was as a hopeless, angry, mean, blackout drunk was the greatest shame I had ever felt. However, this shame, continued my drinking for even longer. I didn't have the right type of vulnerability, the type of vulnerability to truly open up to another person and tell them how worthless and ashamed I was of the person I had become.

Once I got sober, I was able to have these conversations and I realized exactly what Brene Brown is highlighting in this Ted Talk

Our relationships are dependent on our ability to be vulnerable with another person, despite what shame we might face.

The opposite of relationships, or the lack of vulnerability, is isolation. As we learned during the pandemic, no matter how introverted you are, isolation isn't good for anyone. We all need people. We are social creatures who thrive and feed off of interaction with other social creatures. Our vulnerability to another person is key.

What does this have to do with sobriety?

One of the leading causes of relapse, is isolation. You'll hear time and time again of people who stop going to meetings, stop meeting with their sponsors, think they can do it on their own, and more often than not with this isolation, they relapse.

In recovery, especially early recovery, it has been my experience that being vulnerable, in the rooms, with my sponsor, with my sober support, has led to nothing but deeper relationships and more support from other people in sobriety.

My sober support is what keeps me sober and sane. If left to my own devices, I would go back out. Knowing that I have people who understand and care about me because I opened up to them (and they opened up to me) is what healthy relationships and support is about.

Without my sponsor, the people I met in treatment, the lovely men and women I've met in the rooms and the super awesome online sober community I wouldn't have my sobriety.

Thank you all for almost 60 days of continuous sobriety.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable with you and not making me feel ashamed of being who I am or the things I did in my active addiction.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en