Ego vs. Self Esteem

My whole life, I had thought that because I had low self-esteem I had a small ego. Turns out I was very wrong.

They are not the same.

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I've never really thought highly of myself, and yet at the same time, I'm the only person that matters, my world revolves around me.

According to Google, ego is defined as;

a person's sense of self-esteem or self-worth

Sure, the two are correlated (self-esteem and ego) but those key words "sense of" play a huge role in my misunderstanding of the difference between the two words.

A large part of my sobriety lately has been sitting still and listening. Letting the thoughts in my brain play out, talking to myself internally. I'm beginning to feel more and more comfortable with my thoughts, and as I grow and grow my self-esteem it's a lot easier to sit with my thoughts, they become a lot less negative and self destructive. As I was sitting and pondering, I had the thought, "I really do have a big ego." This narrative I had made up in my head that just because I saw myself as small meant I had a small ego, was false. Because I had low self-esteem, I had a big ego. I had made up in my head that because I was nothing, the world revolved around me and my pity, I needed people to feel sorry for me to fill my ego, not because it grew my esteem. Esteem-able acts build esteem, not pity. It was in this moment that I realized the difference between the two things.

I have been an egotistical b*tch. In making the world about me, I was growing my ego and shrinking my esteem. Assuming everyone in a room was thinking about and judging me was allowing my ego to grow and my self-esteem to dissipate.

In order to let go of my own ideas, I need to do the opposite. I have to shrink my ego, to grow my self-esteem and build a life worth losing.

For me, this looks like humbling myself and really opening myself up to vulnerability and humility. I've mentioned in the past how much I struggle with this. I really have been thinking up until this point that by being vulnerable, I would be losing what little self-esteem I have. So, like all things in my sober life, I am doing the opposite of what I would do during my active addiction.

Right now, I'm doing this by inviting other people to speak and doing my best to show everyone how worthy they are of a seat at the table and to be heard. I'm doing this by being of service to AA and other A.A's. I'm doing this by washing my face and making my bed. Just the simple things, the things that build my esteem, that make me feels o good about myself that I don't need an ego I don't need a "sense of" my worth, because I know it. It lies within me, it always has. I just wasn't doing the indicated right things to feed and blossom it.

I need to check my ego at the door, today and for the rest of my life because my ego, is not my amigo. My ego tells me that I am better than or worse than others. It makes me different, other than, it gets me into the negative side of my own head. It cuts off my communication with others and my higher power. My ego told me that I could drink, that I was smart enough, strong willed, and stubborn enough to drink like a normal person even though I was born an alcoholic.

Ego and self-esteem are weird things, it took me over 20 years to even begin to grasp what either of them actually mean. And, I'm not even beginning to say that I have a complete understanding on either, but it's finally starting to click and make sense, all the things I see and hear. Being a human is a weird thing and I honestly hope I never understand what the point or meaning of life is because then I would try to be the best at that. Right now, I want to sit in this moment and do the next right things, to build my self-esteem, and shrink my ego.

Thanks for reading!

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