How an album got me through a break up, made me think drinking was normal, and helped me get sober and realize my power.
After a brief fling with a navy guy, "Red (Taylor's Version) came out. It seemed like such a perfectly timed album, a revamp of all my middle school favorites combined with some awesome feminist anthems and lyrics that matched exactly what I was going through. There are some of those lyrics that made me feel like the way I drank was normal, that after a break-up that's what I should do. Simultaneously, there were lyrics that empowered me, that made me realize everything happens(ed) for a reason. That I was really with a shitty guy and him breaking up with me was probably the best thing that could've ever happened to me.
Watching her rerecord her album to have the rights to her song after Scooter Braun (who is anti-Covid vaccine btw)reminded me that I have the rights over my story. No one else gets to dictate who I am-- my higher power and I are in charge of my destiny.
My top three favorite songs off the album (in no particular order) are;
"State of Grace (Taylor's Version)"
"Holy Ground (Taylor's Version"
"Better Man (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault)"
These songs seemed to really make me feel understood. Never has an album broke my heat, made me cry and simultaneously healed me as much as this album did. I listened to it non-stop from start to finish for hours and hours. So much that even though it's the only Taylor Swift album I've listened to since the original Red she made my top 5 artist list of the year.
I'm walking fast through the traffic lights Busy streets and busy lives And all we know is touch and go We are alone with our changing minds We fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time
And I never (never) Saw you coming And I'll never (never) Be the same
You come around and the armor falls Pierce the room like a cannonball Now all we know is don't let go We are alone, just you and me
So you were never a saint And I've loved in shades of wrong We learn to live with the pain Mosaic broken hearts But this love is brave and wild
These lyrics in particular impact me looking back as a sober person to serve as a reminder that everything comes and goes, all we really have is this one second, one moment. We build our sobriety 24 hours at a time, by taking life on life's terms. I never imagined sobriety as a par of my life, but here I am, living it.It demands rigorous honesty and painful vulnerability. While Taylor is talking about he way a relationship breaks down your walls, sobriety is breaking down my walls, tearing me down and teaching me a new way of life and loving. Everything is ever changing, and yet it's beautiful. This chaos we all experience moment to moment is what unites us. We are not saints, the point is, we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.
We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you' And for the first time I had something to lose
And I guess we fell apart in the usual way And the story's got dust on every page But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now And I see your face in every crowd
'Cause darling, it was good Never looking down And right there where we stood Was holy ground
Every where we stand in America, is holy ground. Land we stole from the Natives when we colonized, poisoned and enslaved them.
Furthermore, this was exactly how I felt. For context, I met this "man" on a dating app, we had a one night stand that I barely remember and at a time where I really had no friends or any relationships in my life, I really relied on him for emotional and social support in my life. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, made me feel like the only girl in the world, like I was a real woman. At a time in my life where I was an absolute mess, to have someone treat me like a woman, I finally felt worthy for the first time in a long time. He told me he wanted to marry me. And we truly did fall apart in the usual way. Eventually he caught on to the mess I was and no longer wanted anything to do with me.
We still had that one night though, and as sick and twisted and fucked up that one night was, I held unto that moment as if it was holy ground.
I know I’m probably better off on my own Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know what he had when he had it And I see the permanent damage you did to me Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t 4 AM, standing in the mirror Saying to myself, « You know you had to do it » I know the bravest thing I ever did was run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man A better man
I know I’m probably better off all alone Than needing a man who could change his mind At any given minute And it was always on your terms I waited on every careless word Hoping they might turn sweet again Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, oh, I can hear it now Talking down to me like I’d always be around Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun Oh, you never thought I’d run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man And I know why we had to say goodbye, like the back of my hand But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man A better man
Not to be confused with Pearl Jam's "Better Man", this break up and empowering anthem really speaks to me on what it means to prioritize yourself and your values and not sacrifice yourself to be in a relationship that doesn't serve you. This might just be my favorite song on the whole album. Looking back with the perspective and clear-mindedness sobriety gives me, Alex was really a douche bag who took advantage of my alcoholism because I didn't have any autonomy. Having sex with someone who is too drunk to consent is rape.
Situations like this are a large part of my story, and that is my story. It happened so I could learn the autonomy and importance of staying sober to take care of myself.
Even though he was really not a good guy, I still missed him for a long time after we stopped talking. I am valuable, even in my active addiction, I had value and he didn't see that. Often after this, I would find myself awake at 4am, listening to this exact same song, finishing my second bottle of $3 red wine and crying. The reality was this song was ridiculously accurate to exactly what I was going through. I felt held and understood.
Somehow, this album spoke to me on a level at a time that I had never experienced before. It was almost a spiritual experience. I felt understood the way that I feel understood by other people in sobriety. While listening, I felt less alone. I was so heart broken and alone in those weeks following our "break up." All I did was drink and listen to Taylor Swift, truly. Having hit this rock bottom proceeded to lead way to other rock bottoms where I began to finally seek out sobriety and start to discover my self worth and find a foundation in which I could rebuild my life and build my self esteem and autonomy.
Now, I have a relationship in which I usually feel fulfilled, heard and held. My relationship is far, far, far from perfect. Sometimes I feel like maybe I could find a better man, someone who has more common values and interests with me, but I also know that no one will understand me more than my partner does and know what to say when I need to hear it. I know that I am right where I need to be and that my needs are met. He meets me where I am, encourages me to better and sees my value.
I am not perfect, my story is not perfect, I am still working on myself, on my healthy coping skills, on seeing my value and building my self esteem. This album was a starting point for this journey. These lyrics which aided my drinking, now in sobriety empower me in a way I haven't experienced before.