The Change isn't Just in being Abstinent

You've heard the joke, "how many psychiatrists does it take to change the lightbulb?" ... "It doesn't matter, the lightbulb has to want to change"

Us addicts and alcoholics, problem drinkers, overthinkers, people with anxiety, depression and every other scope of menta illness, cannot change until we are ready.

The change we see in sobriety is not just because we have removed substances from our life. Sure, this helps, and is definitely a start, but the real growth (for me) comes from two things. One, identifying the reasons I drank in the first place-- my character defects. And two, by making amends to those I hurt through changed behavior. My drinking career was filled with promises as empty as the bottles around me.

"Just for Today: I will make direct amends, wherever possible. I will also make indirect amends, "mending my ways," changing my attitudes, and altering my behavior."

"Direct and Indirect Amends", page 161 of Just for Today NA Daily Reflections Book

https://www.na.org/

The only way I can live a life of abstinence is to live a life that doesn't make me want to drink. This can only happen through changing myself. I used to think I would stop drinking if I just didn't have asshole roommates, if the bus was on time, if there wasn't traffic, if my boyfriend would compliment me, if I didn't have to wait in line, if it rained, if it didn't rain, if people and things would just do what I wanted them to do. If things would just go my way. Truth is, even without alcohol, all of these things still happen (imagine someone not doing something exactly the way I asked them to), but I don't drink. So, if external things weren't making me drink, what was?

Turns out, it was all on me. I had to change (like the lightbulb) my way of thinking in order to not drink. I had to put that proverbial ball in my court and give myself the power of my next drink. I had to take on the power to say no, because it was clear that the world wasn't going to change, but I needed to.

When I let go of the way things should and shouldn't be, when I let go of my self righteous, and selfish ideas, nothing leads me to that first drink. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not in control. I have a higher power who has a divine plan for exactly how thinks are supposed to go. Every moment, event, heartbreak, tragedy, love story, first date, last date, sunny day, etc. are exactly what they're supposed to be. Completely and perfectly planned out by the only being who has omnipotent knowledge of the path for me and the way things should and shouldn't be. Who am I to say that you shouldn't have cut me off in traffic or you should've known that was a new dress and I wanted you to compliment me? I don't get to say that... only my higher power does.

True Story: My grandma was once cut off while driving on the freeway. A few miles later, the semitruck in front of the car that cut her off lost and wheel and it crushed the driver of the car that had cut her off. The tire killed him instantly. If that driver wouldn't have cut my grandma off, she would've been the one struck by the tire. Everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to.

Some days it's easier to remember this than others, and it doesn't matter why. On a good or bad day, I have such a hard time letting things go, not planning out every minute or second, not getting stuck in my ways. On those days, the days I can't let go, those are the hard days. Those are the days I'm most agitated, most short with others. Those are the days I have the most cravings. The days, however, where I can truly feel my higher power, drinking sounds like an awful idea. It's not always the days things are going right-- it's often the days everything is going wrong (according to my plan). But it's on those days where I feel I'm learning the most and presenting as my best self. Because on those days, despite the circumstances, I feel most at peace. The selfishness and self-seeking subsides and I'm living in and accepting the moment for what it is. When I am present in the moment, I am able to be patient, thoughtful, and an active listener. When I'm not in the moment (either living in the past or future) I truly am restless, irritable and discontent, which manifests as self-pitying, impatience and discontent. On these ideal days when I have the gift of tapping into my higher power, I see the ways in which I've changed beyond just the lack of substances I'm putting in my body.

The other change for me has been making living amends. The privilege for my head to hit the pillow every night sober and knowing I did my best is better than any drink or drug I've ever tried. I hurt so many people during my active addiction and swore I never would again, but the very next night, I would be drunk again and doing exactly what I promised I wouldn't do the day before, that morning or even as that first drink hit my lips. Now, I can't live with that guilt and shame and stay sober.

I truly try to be my best every single day and practice these principles in all of my affairs. I truly try to live by the golden rule and treat others how I would want to be treated, putting out into the world what I wish to receive. Patience, generosity, kindness, wisdom, peace, love, hope, grace. I lend a listening ear, give compliments, participate in the 7th tradition. Just in these simple things, I receive my efforts back 10 fold. Just today, $800 was randomly deposited into my account. I am living day to day, being the best me I can be. My parents have forgiven me, my siblings have forgiven me, my boyfriend is forgiving me. I stopped making empty promises and starting showing that I truly was a different person. They saw the change. I see the change. And the biggest change is that by not living in a way that makes me feel ashamed of my actions, I don't get sucked into the cycle of guilt and shame that left me chained to my addiction for so long.

In these two ways of changing myself; both addressing my character defects and working to make living amends by being the best person I can and showing truly improved behavior, I'm not just living a life of abstinence but a life that doesn't make me want to drink. Through this process, the world hasn't changed but I'm no longer living in a world that makes me want or need to drink. The people around me take notice and want to actually be around me. I have friends and a job and people can trust me. The world is never going to change, but I did. You can!